Unusual Conscripts
by KingdomOfThomond
Summary: Bunch of people go on holiday, go home, and everything's changed. In Farscape category because it is involved later on, and TF2 category because the characters are parody.
1. Meet the Team

The darts masters, nicknamed 'The Lucky Nine', in a small town of Summerbourne Abbas, on an island in the Northern Pacific belonging to the United Kingdom, had made enough money to go on a trip. They were a decent bunch, with different nationalities composing the team – a German, a Frenchmen, two Englishmen, a Scotsman, a Russian and three Americans. They were lead by the Scotsman, Michael Matthew Murphy.

Michael was called 'M&Ms' by his old classmates. He was an intelligent leader who was trusted by everybody. The English, Tom and William, were sporting fellows, with a fair sense of justice and humour. They were brothers, and they had helped pull the team together. The German, Karl, had the frostiest reception in The Lucky Nine, though he got nicer the more you knew him. He picked the venues his team would be playing at, and always bought his mates and their opponents a drink at the end of the game. Hughes hailed from an indeterminate region of France, and he was a fan of sharp suits and even sharper knives, as he used to be a French spy who relied on stealth and trickery to aid his country, and assassinated key enemies quickly and efficiently. Hughes was a puzzle to everyone else in the team, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in riddles, lovingly sprinkled with intrigue, express mailed to Mystery. He was a globe-trotting rogue, lady killer (metaphorically) and man killer (for real).The Americans; Jack, Dave Conagher, and Herbert formed the backbone of the team, mainly because they can get three hundred and sixty points in three turns, and also because they encourage the rest of the team to do better. Jack desperately wanted to fight in World War 2, but he was rejected from every branch of the NZ military. Undaunted, he bought his own ticket to Europe. After arriving and finally locating Poland, Jack taught himself how to load and fire a variety of weapons before embarking on a Nazi killing spree for which he was awarded several medals that he designed and made himself. His rampage ended immediately upon hearing about the end of the war in 1949. Dave Conagher came from Bee Cave, Texas, and loves barbecues, guns, higher education, beer and darts. He is classified as effectively being a dwarf, although he can get a very good score in a game, and he has ten PhDs in Science - three in Biology, three in chemistry, three in physics, and one in Medical Science. These PhDs are nearly impossible to achieve. The Russian, Joseph, is relatively friendly, and lived in a remote log mansion in the Dzhugdzhur Mountains. He posted his first blog post on April 7 2011 while Jack was on jury duty, and sleeps in a bed next to Mariya, his dog, who is in a smaller bed. Joseph's father was a "counter-revolutionary" who was executed, and his mother, sister and himself were sent to a North Siberian Gulag.

They team decided to vote where to go on the trip. For this, the team wrote down on a scrap of paper the place they wanted to visit, and then put it in a box. Tom was picked to reveal because of his fairness. He looked through them all, and went through the results in reverse order.

"In last place, with one vote each, is France, Australia, Germany, Boston USA, and Alaska. Russia and Ullapool, Scotland are second with two votes each, while in first place is Chernobyl, with four votes."

"What? Why do we go place that is radioactive?" asked Joseph.

"There are trips that go into the thirty kilometre area that surrounds the power factory. It's safe for a short amount of time, though it would be stupid to stay in the restricted area for any longer than a week. At least you can't get near any Chernobylite or Reactor 4." replied Dave.

"That is relief... Wait minute, what is Chernob... Chernoby...Cheno..."

"Chernobylite? Chernobylite is a technogenic mineral, a crystalline zirconium silicate with 10% of the content being uranium as a solid solution. It is black and yellow, and was discovered in the corium produced in the Chernobyl accident. Chernobylite is a lava-like glassy material that formed in the nuclear meltdown of the Fourth Reactor core. The substance is ridiculously radioactive due to its high uranium content and contamination by fission products. At least, that's what the reports say."

"What did he just say?" whispered Jack to Michelle.

Michelle shrugged. "He was able to replace his crippled right hand with a machine. You would be able to understand what he just said if you could work this out. It is his favourite equation."

He wrote on a spare page in his diary a weird looking equation.

"That's his favourite equation?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Well, it's been fairly decided that we go to Chernobyl. Any objections?" asked Michael.

Nobody spoke.

"No? Right then, tell your partners or your parents that we're going away for a couple of days in the Ukraine. Take what you want, though try to have as little as possible."

"Why?" asked Karl.

"Taking luggage in the overhead compartments costs nothing. The hold costs £20."

The following day, The Lucky Nine, left the island at 6:30 AM, and arrived at Kiev six and a half hours later. They spent a great two-week holiday in Chernobyl - they visited several of the residents inside the exclusion zone, paid their respects to the dead, went on a tour, and had a beer from the only shop in Chernobyl. Dave even managed to get inside the power plant, as he was a scientist, and took pictures of the inside for his team-mates. Overall, the group had a great time. They made got away from Kiev airport shortly before the worst thing in their peaceful lives and in the history of humankind happened.

* * *

><p>Six and a half hours later, the team landed at the island's only airport. They got out, and noticed that there were only a few security guards in the airport, and some passengers. All of them were dead. Michael, followed by his darts team, went to his minivan, and got in, which everybody else did as well, and drove back to Summerbourne Abbas. When they arrived, they found that everybody there was dead, like at the airport.<p>

"What on earth happened here?" asked Karl.

"I have no idea." replied Hughes.

Dave started rummaging in his backpack.

"Ah, found my gloves and my implements, here's my coat, and this is my procedure mask." he said.

Dave put on his coat, mask and gloves, and then crouched next to a body. While Dave performed a post mortem on the random person who was lying on the street, the rest of the living turned away. Half an hour passed. Another forty-five minutes passed before the dwarf had finished.

"Bad news, my friends. These people were killed by a new type of virus, one that I have never seen or heard of before. It is ...deadly. Don't touch any of the dead, and don't eat anything that hasn't been sealed, because the virus entered the body through the mouth. Wash your hands after you've...been to the special place, and before you eat. If you feel ill, tell everyone, and I'll take a sample of your bodily fluids. If you have it, YOU WILL DIE a slow and painful death."

"Where shall we go?" asked Herbert.

"We should go to the one place we have the best chance of surviving – Bob Franke's bar. We need to go now, before it's too late."

The team were following Michael, who was sprinting towards Bob's bar, the Summerbourne Arms. Dave yelled to his team-mates "Hurry – we don't have much time!"

Michael ran, until he could no longer. He waited for the rest of the other survivors to catch up. They finally arrived, and Michael did a quick headcount.

"Nine, including myself. Good."

"Can I get you anything?" asked a man behind the bar.

"Bob? Why haven't you been killed?" asked Hughes.

"I've spent a few days on holiday on a boat." he replied.

"That's good."

The group spent several happy hours drinking, chatting and playing darts with their mate, until two other men walked into the bar. One looked like he spent most of his time in a workshop, and the other looked like a sniper.

"Who are you?" asked one of the strangers.

"More to the point – why aren't you dead?" asked Dave.

"Frank Barr, the sniper, was sitting in his cave, playing computer games, while I, Harry Smith, am a woodsman, and I was isolated from the rest of you in my sawmill, several miles from here. I became curious because I was waiting a delivery of new saws, but it never came. Frank didn't even notice that anything was wrong."

The darts team knew about Harry's sawmill, and they nodded in agreement.

"Now, who are you?"

"I'm Michael, and these are: Tom and William, Karl, Hughes, Jack, Herbert, Joseph, and you probably passed Dave Conagher on your way in."

"We did."

"Good."

Outside the pub, smoking his pipe, Dave Conagher noticed somebody walking towards him. He thought that it was another survivor, but, on closer inspection, it turned out to be a zombie. Coldly, the Texan pulled out his Smith & Wesson revolver, which happened to have a detachable shoulder stock, and pumped ten rounds into the thing. Worried, Dave went into the pub, and interrupted a conversation.

"I hate to tell you, but we are in serious danger. The dead people, on the streets, are becoming zombies," the dwarf paused while he shot a new zombie, who had appeared in the doorway, "And they're becoming zombies fast."

"I have some WWII weapons and ammunition in a gun cabinet. We could use those." said Bob.

* * *

><p>After raiding Bob's gun cabinet of weapons and ammo, which saw Joseph with a Lewis, William with a flame-thrower, and Jack with a PIAT, the team made their way to Harry's sawmill. There, they set up their weapons. Frank was in the rafters with his sniper rifle, a .338 Lapua Magnum, pointing out of the roof through a vent. Dave Conagher was ordered not to fight unless it was necessary, and to tend to injuries. The team waited for about forty minutes. The team started to get bored.<p>

"C'mon, stupid zombies, show your dumb faces and get kicked back to the land of the dead." said Herbert.

Soon after this, they were attacked by wave after wave of zombies. To some, there seemed little chance that they would survive. Bullets were fired into the dead bodies, but the zombies still kept coming.

"We're dead mates!" shouted Frank from the rafters.

"'Ere, stop being so negative or the Sniper from Team Fortress 2." replied Herbert.

"I am a sniper."

"Still..."

Somehow, the group held off the zombies.

"Phew, I don't want to do that again." said Jack.

"I am afraid we will have to, mein Freud." said Karl.

"How much ammunition do we have left?" asked Joseph.

The reply that came back was very good – the team still had an awful lot of ammo left. The group looked at each other. They vanished together as a bright white light flashed. Michael opened his eyes. He was in a some sort of wormhole. He realised that time did not exist in the wormhole, and that he was able to see in to others minds, and feel what they were feeling. He did this to several of them, until Dave said to him: "I see you're keeping your mind active."

Then Michael was bathed in a bright white light that increased in intensity. He started to die.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

Okay, that was a little weird, but we all like zombies, don't we? Chapter 2 will come as soon as I can type it up. Characters from Farscape and other sci-fi shows will make an apperance, as well as the entire RED team from TF2. Please, review.


	2. Roarington

**A/N** This chapter is an important connecting chapter between the first and third chapters. Do not skip past this, or you will be confused.

* * *

><p>Several months ago, orcs and goblins had crossed the border from their land into Hammerset. Now, they were approaching the capital, Roarington. King Richard the bold, knowing that the orcs stood a very good chance of taking the city, sent his only son, Edvard, on a great eagle, along with Frederick, and aristocratic duelist loyal to the king's line of decent.<p>

"Edvard, as my only son and heir, with orcs and goblins, too numerous to count, approaching, I order you to take one of the great eagles and fly away from here, preferably to an island somewhere. Frederick will accompany you for your protection. Now go! I don't want you see you again until these orcs and goblins have been killed or driven off." said King Richard.

Richard turned to sort out the defences, as Frederick and Edvard made their way to the great eagles. King Richard shouted out orders to his troops, among people crying, shouting, and moving backwards and forwards. Archers ordered onto the battlements, friendly trolls in the rubble outside of the city, guards barred the gates, halbiderers escorted the women and children to Roarington's keep and guarded them, and heavy infantry waited behind the gates for the invading orcs and goblins. King Richard was waiting behind the main gate, with some of his most experienced and loyal troops.

One of Roarington's high mages had crept off to a secret tunnel that lead to the city's catacombs. He had a plan, and that was a bad thing for one in his position to have.

Edvard and Frederick were flying northeast to their allies in the mountains, the dwarves. The dark clouds, which were brewing over Roarington when the duo had left, had gone. The sunlight was golden, and the air was cool. Edvard was thrilled at being able to ride a great eagle, which only older nobles and royalty could fly, and was able to forget about what was happening back in the kingdom of Hammerset.

"Frederick, can you use you use your crossbow on one of these magnificent creatures?" asked Edvard.

"I can, sire, but it took time and practice to do so." replied the aristocrat.

Below him, Edvard saw some minstrels and magi travelling across a plain. He thought about terrorising them by flying over their heads, and then did so. He watched them all run for cover.

"Sire, you may be a prince, but please don't do that again." requested Frederick.

"Some people." Said one of the minstrels, after their group had reformed itself.

That's the king's son. If he's going in that direction, on a great eagle, this far away from Roarington, then it would be a good idea to follow him." said another minstrel.

At the city, the gates had been destroyed, and the heavy infantry on the ground were vastly outnumbered, even though they were very good in those sorts of conditions. The archers on the walls were using up lots of their arrows, and most were running short, although they hadn't run out of targets – the horizon was black with them.

King Richard was still standing, with two of his best heavy infantry either side of him. The trio were standing on a pile of bodies, both human, orcish and goblin.

"This looks like a job for the Yeti Battalion AND the Clarke's Alliance." said one of the archers on the wall said to another.

"Aye, it's a bad situation for us." said his companion.

Edvard and Frederick flew onwards, into the night. Soon, Frederick took the king's son down onto a mountain, and into a cave, leaving the eagles outside.

"What is this place?" asked Edvard, looking at the well hewn walls.

"One of the dwarven kingdoms. With any luck, they'll let us stay the night. With some more luck, they'll fight these orcs, and with a fair deal of luck, they'll send dwarves to other kingdoms to get their warriors to help us." replied the aristocrat.

" Why should they?"

"They have to – they're part of the Clarke's Alliance. Hopefully, another eagle with a dwarf will be sent out to find the Yeti Battalion."

"What are they?"

"The Clarke's Alliance is a band of highly trained and experienced warriors from every member race. The Yeti Battalion is a group of about twenty-two yeti, led by a mage and a bandit, called Guddocyn and Rhoddyn, respectfully."

"Who's…who's there?" asked a very sleepy, somewhat annoyed, bass voice.

"Is that you Waugh? You were always one to sleep, despite being the most senior guardsman here." replied Frederick.

"Frederick! How, and where, have you been?"

"Fine, fine. I was in Roarington. The place has been attacked by the largest band of orcs and goblins I have ever seen. I was ordered by the king, Richard the Bold, to escort Edvard here, the king's only son and heir. We have been flying for half a day on great eagles. We would like to stay here for the night."

"That's fine. Make yourselves comfortable in my office, over there." said Waugh, pointing to a barely visible doorway.

The humans went inside, and rested on several mats on the floor, and almost fell asleep instantly. They slept through Waugh coming in during the guard change, and only woke up the following morning, with the entry of two dwarves.

"Waugh, why in nine hells was Orin put…hey, who are these two, and why are they here?" asked the one with axes.

Waugh explain that Roarington had been attacked by orcs and goblins, and they had been sent away from there for safety, ending up where they were.

"That seems legitimate." said the dwarf with a long, dangerous looking staff, shaped to look like a dragon.

Plans were made to send out dwarves to get the warriors of other dwarvish kingdoms, and to get the support of the Yeti Battalion. The two dwarves that Edvard and Frederick didn't know told them that the one with axes was called Grieg, and the one with the staff was called Gynt.

The group of minstrels and magi, who had managed to reach the dwarven kingdom that morning, were given a bunk each in the barracks. There, Edvard and Frederick found out that they had had the group following them, before the two humans went off with the dwarves to find the elves.

The High mage in Roarington was still making his way through the catacombs. He took a complicated path, set deep in his memory, and ended up in a small chamber. Lining the walls were tools – hammers, saws, ancient segments of electrical wire from centuries before. In the middle of the chamber was a portal, leading to the past and historical lands. The mage stepped through the portal, and disappeared.

Edvard and Frederick were in council of High Elf Lord Gerrald. Waugh, Grieg and Gynt waited outside, hearing what little came out of the council chamber. When the two humans emerged, the three dwarves asked them one question.

"How did it go?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN **Next chapter will be up when I have finished typing it.


	3. The Team Arrives in Roarington

"The elves have agreed to aid our plight. Apparently, the elves themselves have been attacked an alarming amount of times by goblins and orcs in the past few months, along with those things, the ones that have died but are not dead." said Frederick.

"Those things again – I hate them. The only way to kill them is with fire or magic, and most of our weaponry barely scratches them." muttered Waugh.

At lunch, the dwarves were sitting at a different table to the humans and elves, mainly because of their outrageous appetites and terrible table manners. Amongst the chatter, Edvard asked Frederick about a particularly pretty female elf, sat between two warriors.

"That is Ingrid sire, Gerrald's daughter. On the topic of the two warriors, the one in the camouflage is Leonnardo, and Comrade White Beard is, um, the other one. Leonnardo is apparently good with the bow and at hunting, but not at cooking, while White Beard is a good fighter and a brilliant leader of soldiers. According to himself, White Beard got his name when he was raised at Rocinante, the sister castle to the Don Quixote. As far as I can deduce, sire, all three are friends." answered Frederick.

"Thank you, Frederick." replied Edvard.

"That's alright sire."

* * *

><p>The high mage, who had gone through the portal beneath Roarington, was in a corridor, leading to the past, with scenes from historical events on the walls. The mage past 'third great orc war', 'kingdoms divided', 'first and second great orc wars', 'history starts going backwards while time goes forward' and accidentally went passed 'darts team hold off zombie horde with old weapons', only realising that he had missed it when he passed 'Russian virus wipes out 97% of the world's population'. The mage stopped, and went back to the point in the corridor where the darts team were mentioned. Then, using his abilities, pulled the triumphant darts team from the past to him.<p>

"Where are we?" asked Michael.

"Amelia Earheart, 1937." replied Dave.

"Who's she?"

"Never mind."

"You are in a corridor with access to all of this planet's history." Replied the mage, in response to Michael's earlier question.

"So I could go right to the end of this corridor and find out what happened in the beginning, to discover which particular religion or atheists got it right?" asked Dave.

"Yes."

"Cool."

"Now, there is something else that I have to do." said the mage.

"What's that?" asked Herbert.

"Getting some German soldiers from World War 2."

"Why did you get us then?"

"You have a particular skill at darts and other weapons, and you also destroyed an entire zombie horde."

The mage strode off down the corridor, and stopped at '1944', where he took an entire regiment of German soldiers, moments before their barracks were bombed.

"Where are we?" asked one in German.

"In a corridor, going into the past, and yes, it is possible to go back to the beginning and find out what happened." replied Karl in his native language.

"That is good to know."

The mage walked off to the entrance of the corridor, and went through, with both groups following. After hours of walking, they managed to get out of the labyrinths under Roarington.

"This city is under attack by orcs and goblin. Help the defenders." said the mage, with Karl translating into German. The group did just that.

* * *

><p>The Clarke's Alliance – dwarves, elves, dwarves, humans, mer-people, scalliwags (crab people), and eagles – was moving towards Roarington, and the Yeti Battalion was decimating the hordes. The humans in Roarington were greatly relieved at the arrival of the Yeti Battalion, the Clarke's Alliance on the horizon, and the Lucky Nine and the German soldiers from World War 2.<p>

King Richard and his men had just managed to repel the orcs and goblins that had made their way into the city, so the king went back into a safe spot so that Dave could tend to his wounds and armour.

* * *

><p><strong>AN **Here is chapter 3. Pleas R&R.


	4. The Destruction of the Orcs and Goblins

**A/N** Sorry this has taken a while - I've had exams. Enjoy.

* * *

><p>Several days of fighting later, neither side showed signs of being defeated – there were still hundreds of thousands of orcs and goblins left, nor Roarington's massive food supply was barely dented. To quite a few of them, this battle went on for ages, and both sides needed to end the war quickly for their own benefit. The humans were fortunate in the fact that the Clarke's Alliance had surrounded the orcs and goblins. This meant that the orcs and goblins were defeated easily, as they had both their food supply and escape route cut off. Meanwhile, Edvard and Frederick were flying over the battlefield on the great eagles that they had taken from Roarington.<p>

After the fight, Edvard and Frederick entered the damaged city amongst almost intolerable amounts of fog and mist. In the guardroom by the main gate, they found King Richard on his deathbed. King Richard's most loyal warriors were there already, along with Dave, and were joined by the leaders of the Clarke's Alliance and the Yeti Battalion.

In his heart, recently damaged by a recently thrown spear, the king wished that he was more like his son in some respects, and like Frederick in others – respectful, polite, responsible, tough, strong and intelligent.

"I'm sorry." said Dave. "There wasn't anything that I could do for him."

With his final breath, King Richard the Bold said:

"Edvard, I appoint you as my successor."

With that, the king died.

Edvard took the crown off his late father's head, and put it on his own.

"All hail the new king, Edvard." said Frederick.

"King Edvard." said everyone present.

"Any first orders, sire?" asked Frederick.

"Yes, three of them. Number one – bury my father's body in the shady bit of the orchards that he liked Number two – let the women and children out of the keep. Finally, clean up the mess that this city is in."

"Very good sire."

Everybody stayed where they were.

"Get moving." Frederick muttered to Edvard's subjects.

Those assembled started organising groups of able men to do the jobs that the new king had commanded.

Several years after Roarington had been repaired, Edvard and his chief advisor, the position which Frederick had been promoted to, were sitting in the orchards near the grave of King Richard. At the head of it was an intricately carved gravestone, made by the dwarves. Edvard and Frederic were in conversation.

"That's good sire – the Yeti Battalion should be a devastating asset to the Clarke's alliance." said Frederick.

"Yes, it is. Pity about Gerrald dying like that. Send my condolences to Ingrid, will you?" asked Edvard

"Yes sire."

"Good thing those darts players and the Germans stayed behind."

"Indeed sire."

"Oh, please stop calling me sire. It can be very irritating at times."

"Very good, Your Highness."

"Good to see you following your standards."

"What are they?" asked Joseph, walking with Dave and Bob towards Edvard and Frederick.

"Following the orders of your superiors, being efficient, precise and polite, and always being well dressed. Why are you two here?" asked Edvard.

"Ingrid arrived. I don't think she here for chat." replied the Russian.

Joseph left.

"What do you want, Dave?" asked Edvard.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving." replied the Texan.

"Why's that?"

"I don't really fit in here."

"We need your help in the infirmary."

"I've taught your doctors and nurses everything I know. I'm no longer needed."

"Where will you go?"

"Here, there and everywhere. I'll go and discover things with Bob, find out about those mysterious Scallywags."

Frederick pulled Edvard over for a second.

"Dave's right – he does not fit in. Let them go."  
>Edvard turned back to Dave.<p>

"Frederick has told me to let you go. It looks like you should, and I'm quite happy for you to leave. Have you told this to the rest of the darts team?"

"I did so this morning."

"Good luck." said Frederick. "And, as you requested, I have looked up your family history. I know it's taken a long time, but your family's history is quite remarkable. Anyway, to cut things short, your family is a long line of kings and queens who did not know of their royalty."

Dave was astounded. Then he spoke.

"Thanks Frederick. You've made my day. No wait, my life."  
>"Dave, take this. You made need it." said Frederick, handing over one of his rapiers.<p>

"Thank you so much."

"Don't worry Dave. Things could have been worse."

Edvard and Frederick shook hands with Dave and Bob. Apart from this, and a nod to one of the guards at the gate from which they left, nobody knew that Dave and Bob had gone.

After Edvard had gone to talk to Ingrid, Frederick started singing part of a song, several hundred years old. Apparently, it was called Natural Science by three blokes called Rush.

_Wave after wave_

_Will flow with the tide,_

_And bury the world as it does._

_Tide after tide will flow and recede_

_Leaving life to go on_

_As it was…_

After his meeting with Ingrid, Edvard was walking past the great eagles, when a grin came onto his face.

Frederick saw him fly past.

"He may have made the Clarke's Alliance have better communications, but King Edvard, responsibility and great eagles don't mix."

Frederick went around Roarington, visiting the darts team and the barracks. He found the majority of the darts team and the other two zombie apocalypse survivors playing cricket with some of Roarington's archers, while the German soldiers were playing cards with the heavy infantry. Eventually, after Frederick had done his daily duties and Edvard's requests from earlier on, Frederick joined in the game of cricket.

Dave and Bob were walking through a valley a few miles from Roarington. The two were looking over the land lying around them. Overhead, a plane from Oceanic, which was there because it broke the laws of reality, crashed into a hill, killing all on-board.

Both Dave and Bob shook their heads.

"Them again." muttered Dave.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** Natural Science belongs to Rush, but I thought it was a good addition. Please rate and review.


	5. The Scalliwag

Following the trail of trail that the Scallywags used most frequently, judging by their unusual footprints, Bob and Dave had gone through bog, swamp and forest. Night fell, but they had not found a settlement or even a lone Scallywag. However, as the two men were approaching a building which they suspected had a Scallywag was living in, elven watched them.

Dave and Bob were absolutely stunned when elves left the trees surrounding the path a short distance behind them. The two were stunned further when bandits blocked the path ahead. Using their only escape route, Dave was dragged by Bob into the building. Dave proceeded to slam the door shut, put Dave comfortably on the floor, and sat down. Before succumbing to his tiredness and the recent conflict having drained his energy, Dave saw a turtle-like creature with four arms approach.

* * *

><p>Dave woke up to find himself in a surgery. Piercing white light made him close his eyes when he first opened them. He tried again. This time, they stayed open. He looked around. He discovered that the surgery that he was in was stoked with medicines that Dave had no idea about which illnesses they healed or relieved. He looked at the surgeon. It fitted the description that he had heard of the Scallywags, but had no idea about why he was in the surgery.<p>

"Why am I here?" asked Dave.

"You were knocked unconscious by a bandit outside my house and surgery, and your friend dragged you in here." replied the Scallywag.

"That's good. I wanted to find a Scallywag."

"Your species is curious about us."

"Yeah, you're kind of mysterious."

"That information is never given away to outsiders, as it could be used against us. However, you're one of the few people who I have good belief that will not abuse that knowledge."

The surgeon told Dave about the Scallywags, while Dave was sent away to a different room whenever he appeared.

Dave learnt that the Scallywags were a moral, mostly hard-working race, but had the element of being constantly relaxed that reminded Dave of the New Zealanders in his darts team. He also learnt that they were very powerful, and became more so with every passing day, and had the abilities and required knowledge to move each member of their species into space to live there or on a different planet.

"I have three questions, Tybalt, that is your name, isn't it?" asked Dave.

"It is. Go ahead."

"Where did you get your name from? There is a character called Tybalt in a play written by William Shakespeare."

"I was given my name by my parents. It was used, completely unknown by me, by Shakespeare."

"When history was going forwards, were your technology, science and other areas of knowledge decreasing?"

"They were."

"If you are able to leave the planet, why don't you?"

"Every race, apart from the dwarves and ourselves, need guidance, as their knowledge is decreasing. Anyway, colonisation sucks."

"Thanks for everything. I think that Bob and I will leave now, seeing that I've learnt everything about the Scallywags, and the bandits and the elves have left."

"I have four things to tell you."  
>"What are they?"<p>

"While you were unconscious, I took the liberty of increasing and improving your mental abilities. You're still mortal, but you have a longer life span, a higher IQ, greatly improved memory, and more knowledge. Secondly, there is a mental map to my surgery that I gave to you. However, you won't be able to reveal the location of it to anyone else. The third is that some people in Hammerset want you dead. Be careful where you tread. Finally, I have implanted a copy of myself in your head, to keep you alive and help protect you. It operates independently to me, but it does have all of my traits. Now, you can leave."

* * *

><p>Dave and Bob were walking along the path outside Tybalt's surgery when the elves from before, whom Dave immediately as being corrupted, emerged from the forest in front of them. Turning north, the two men ran towards an encampment of dwarves known to them. However, Dave's legs were particularly short, so he found running slow and difficult, especially in territory the corrupted elves were very adapt in.<p>

Soon, the encampment loomed ahead, and the elves were firing arrows at the two men. The men approached the encampment, and recognising that the two men were not hostile while the corrupted elves were, the dwarven guard allowed Dave and Bob into the encampment, and attacked the elves.

The elves, being at a disadvantage to the dwarves due to the latter's encampment having walls and the guards having more powerful weaponry than their adversaries, were quickly wiped out.

* * *

><p>The two men left after thanking the dwarves for their help, and continued on the path back to Roarington. Partially, due to exhaustion, partially because of the sun beating down on them, Bob and Dave crawled over a hill, from which they saw Roarington in all of its glory.<p>

"We've made it back. Haha!" exclaimed Bob.

"Indeed we have. Now we need to get to a gate, and we'll be let in." replied Dave.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** So, Dave and Bob have returned to Roarington. However, things are not as they seem, as the next few chapters will reveal.  
>Please rate and review.<p> 


	6. Moya

Dave and Bob rested for several days. When they were able to talk to Edvard, they found him slightly distracted for preparations for the celebrations for midsummer's eve.

On midsummer's eve, Dave and Bob were at the same table as Edvard and Frederick in the feasting hall. The rest of the darts team were also there, along with Barr and Smith, who hadn't done very much since the orks and goblins attacking Roarington, and Waugh, Gynt and Grieg. Dave and Bob were reciting their journey and meeting with Tybalt.

In the high mage's workshop in the catacombs, directly below Edvard's table, a machine malfunctioned, and made everyone sitting at Edvard's table disappear.

* * *

><p>The group found themselves in a cargo bay.<p>

"I hate to ask this question again, but where are we?" asked Michael.

"I know where we are." replied Bob. "We're in Moya's cargo bay 6."

"Who's Moya?" asked Herbert.

"A biomechanical spaceship, a living ship, from the Farscape universe." replied Bob.

"And how do you know this?" snorted Hughes.

"I'm a thirty-two year old bartender from East London. I just know these things." answered Bob.

"Why are we here?" questioned Barr.

"Beats me." stated Bob.

Starbug 1 from Red Dwarf landed outside cargo bay 6. Four people got off.

"An excellent landing, Kryton." stated a man who looked like Captain Emerald.

"Thank you, Mr Rimmer, sir." replied Kryton, a robot.

"This is getting strange." said Dave.

Two Centari from the Babylon 5 universe entered the cargo bay.

"Now, Vir, do you have any idea why we are here?" asked one.

"No, Londo…look, humans." stated Vir.

"I was the last time I looked." muttered Rimmer.

"This is getting even more strange." grumbled Dave.

A yellow bicycle helmet, with a light on the end of two black pipes sticking out of it, went by. Bob crouched on the ground.

"Hey, DRD, come over here." ordered Bob.

The bicycle helmet approached him.

"DRD?" asked Londo.

"Diagnostic Repair Drone. They're similar to the Skutters on Red Dwarf, and the repair stuff, as the name suggests." said Bob to Londo, before turning to the DRD.

"I would like some translator microbes." said the bartender.

The DRD put a vile of a red liquid into Bob's foot, which entered his bloodstream.

"Okay, Hughes, speak to me in French – I don't know that language." requested Bob.

"Je me rends!" shouted Hughes.

"I surrender. Am I correct?" asked Bob.

Hughes nodded.

"Right, I'm off to see Moya's Pilot to clean this mess up." said Bob, walking over to the door, which refused to budge. Bob then went to an impossibly small hole, and disappeared through that.

"Now, what are we going to do?" asked Red Dwarf technical Dave Lister.

"Wait here." replied William.

"I am the Centari Prime Minister. I should be the one speaking to this Pilot." stated Londo.

"You can trust Bob. Anyway, he knows what he's doing."

* * *

><p>In Pilot's den, Bob was in the process of getting his friends out of the cargo bay.<p>

"I have only had contact with one of your species, an overly deficient John Crichton." said Pilot.

"Heard of him, though I've never met him in person." replied Bob.

"As much as I'm concerned about your friends being stuck in cargo bay 6, I'm more concerned about what they may do to Moya."  
>"Pilot, they are not going to harm Moya. We don't know what's going on here, or why we are here. First we were in a feasting hall, and then we appeared here."<p>

"I will let your friends out. However, I know as little as you do about why you are here. There was nothing on Moya's sensors."

Pilot turned his communications link on.

"Everyone, would you please get down to cargo bay 6. We have some…visitors.

* * *

><p>In cargo bay 6, Michael was playing cards with Lister. The door opened, but neither of them noticed, until Ka D'Argo's long tongue, tipped with and adaptive poison, knocked Michael out cold. Lister backed away.<p>

"What the smegging smeg did he smegging do?" asked the shocked Lister.

"He made him at one with his inner self." said Vir.

"He's unconscious." stated Hughes.

"That too." added Vir.

"This is getting _really_ strange." said Dave.

"Hey beardy, most people don't knock other people out because of their bad sense of dress." said the Cat, who was descended from Dave Lister's pet cat, Frankenstein.

D'Argo fumed, while the rest of Moya's crew arrived.

"More aliens. This is getting really stupid." said Dave, putting his Smith and Wesson to his head.

"No, Dave, don't…" said Joseph, before a storm of noises, resembling the 1812 Overture, interrupted him.

"Whoa, man, I'm human like you, and these aliens are not going to kill you." Said John Crichton, followed by DRD 1812, which was playing it's rendition of the 1812 Overture.

"How the yotz did they get here? No warning at all. Pilot!" shouted a slug-like alien in an unknown alien language.

The group of humans in the cargo bay looked at each other.

"He asked how you got here." said Crichton.

"We're in the dark as much as you are." said Lister.

Several DRDs present, on the command from Crichton, injected the humans with translator microbes for easier communication, while a thumping noise in the corridor outside got increasingly louder.

"Hey, did I miss anything?" asked Bob.

"Not much. Only grizzly bear knocking out Michael." said Joseph.

"Great."

"Where did you come from?" asked the slug, Rygel.

"I've just been chatting with Pilot. He knows nothing about us being here. According to him, Moya was very surprised when we appeared." stated Bob.

"The sooner you're out of our noses, everything will be better." said D'Argo.

"Hair." said Crichton.

"That's what I mean: the sooner they're out of our nose hair, everything will be better. I keep getting that saying wrong." replied D'Argo.

"We have no way of getting back to Earth." said Joseph.

"We don't know where Red Dwarf is." said Lister, who had recovered from his shock a few minutes ago.

"And we have no way of getting either to the Centari system or Babylon 5." said Londo.

"Oh-ho-ho, big problem." said the RED Scout from Team Fortress 2. "We'll stay here, then."

* * *

><p><strong>AN **Almost everyone I planned to have on Moya have arrived. Please rate and review.


	7. What is the Reason?

Noranti was following Crichton through Moya.

"Dave Conagher worked out that all of us are here for a special reason. What that reason is, he doesn't know." Noranti said.

The three dwarves, Grieg, Waugh, and Gynt, moved to the other side of the corridor so that they could pass Crichton and Noranti. She continued.

"What if we're all here to realise that all of the other universes exist?"

"Maybe. Just as long as what they're here for happens real soon, we're going to have quite a few problems." stated Crichton.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Dave, what're you doing?" asked Chianna, one of Moya's crew, as she passed Dave Conagher in Cargo Bay 6.<p>

"Teachin' this DRD the Da Buster's March. Pilot said it was okay. What he doesn't know, is that I've also re-wired it so that it has a different personality to the rest, and isn't affected by things that the others are." replied Dave, who had painted the emblem of the RAF's 617 squadron on both sides of a DRD.

"Right, I'll just, um, leave you to it."

She moved off and Dave was left in peace. It was quite strange for him, but most of the people in his darts team, along with Barr, had similarities with the members of the RED team from TF2. In fact, most of them were their little known grandfathers or great-grandfathers. Still, it was nice to meet them.

* * *

><p>D'Argo was on Moya's bridge with Crichton. An Alliance base from Firefly loomed in front of Moya after suddenly appearing there.<p>

"Pilot, what the _hasmarta_ is that?" asked D'Argo.

"I'm not certain, captain, but it appears to be some sort of base, and…its weapons are targeting us!"

"Pilot, prepare for immediate…"

The Alliance base was destroyed by missiles. For a moment, D'Argo and Crichton were unsure of who had destroyed the base. Then they saw it.

"This is Michael Henderson of the HMS Camden Loch. I could see that you were going to do a defensive manoeuvre, so did that solve your problem?" asked a man over the radio.

"Yes, thank you." said Crichton.

"Permission to come aboard?" asked Henderson.

D'Argo nodded.

"Sure, you've got permission." stated Crichton.

Bob was present when a transport pod from the HMS Camden Loch arrived.

"Oh no, not the blundering idiots from Hyperdrive." exclaimed Bob.

Henderson stepped out, followed by First Officer York, and Diplomatic Officer Teal.

"Where's the bloke I talked with before I came here?" asked Henderson.

"He's still on the bridge." replied Bob.

"Is he scared of me or something? Have I turned into a Red Shiny Robot of Vortis when I wasn't looking?"

"Unfortunately not, sir." replied York in his rather bored sounding voice.

* * *

><p>The reason why all were gathered on Moya presented itself a few days later.<p>

"Could you all go to the bridge? There is something that you might want to see." said Pilot.

"Righty-ho" said Dave Conagher to himself.

Due to him being the shortest person on Moya, excluding Rygel in his hover-sledge, Dave arrived on the bridge after everyone else.

"It's so beautiful…"started D'Argo.

"What is it?" asked the Cat.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** The next bit is somewhat based on the Bible, so anti-Christians, BEWARE.


	8. Back to RealityThe Suited Man

"According to the Book of Revelation, there will be a marriage between the city of Jerusalem and the Lamb of God, Jesus. In Revelation, the Marriage Supper of the Lamb is in two parts. The first is where a great multitude praises God, in Revelation 19:1-6 and the second is the marriage supper of the Lamb, in Revelation 19:7-10. What is happening outside is what I assume is that marriage." stated Kryton.

"There is an energy surge in this sector; claw onto…" started Pilot.

* * *

><p>"Where did they go?" asked Chianna.<p>

"Back to their universes, fictional or otherwise." replied Rygel.

"I agree with you, Dominar. None of their ships are on Moya's sensors, nor are any on Moya herself." added Pilot.

* * *

><p>"Is everything alright, Mr. Jeffers?" asked Henderson, back on HMS Camden Loch.<p>

"You're back from your little holiday sooner than I expected. Apart from that, everything is fine." replied Jeffers, the technical officer for the HMS Camden Loch.

* * *

><p>"Holly, open the hanger door, we're back." said Lister.<p>

"Where were you? I thought I was going to be alone for another three million years, like when Rimmer caused the radiation leak." replied Holly, Red Dwarf's computer.

"Somewhere else. Now, just open the smegging doors and I'll explain it to you."

* * *

><p>"There she is Londo, the great, late Babylon 5." said Vir.<p>

"Indeed it is." replied the Prime Minister.

* * *

><p>"Any word from the base that was near Shadow?" asked an Alliance commander.<p>

"No word sir; I think it's been destroyed." replied a radio operator.

* * *

><p>"Unauthorised absences are punishable by death. It is in your contracts." stated the Administrator.<p>

"We were powerless not to be absent, miss, we were, in other words, taken hostage." replied Sniper.

"Aye, you could say that." added Demoman.

* * *

><p>"Nice to know that things in Hammerset are back to being fairly normal, sire." said Frederick.<p>

"It is. Sad about the darts team not being here." replied Edvard.

* * *

><p>"Nothing like being home at last, after being in different periods in space and time." said Hubert.<p>

"There isn't. Dave said that he had gone to live in the mountains, like you, Joseph." said Bob.

"Does he still have Tybalt's clone in his head?" asked Michael.

"Yes." answered Bob.

* * *

><p>Despite being in the middle of summer, the mountains were still cold. Dave was sitting his cave, smoking his pipe. He was thinking about all of the things that had happened to him over the past few years, like the Russian virus that had killed most of the world's population and the people he had met. But most of all, he was thinking about Tybalt.<p>

The sun set. Dave got up and went inside his cave, whistling the Dam Busters March. 617, which had also arrived on Earth with him, accompanied Dave's whistling.

Dave lived in the cave for the rest of his life, before dying at the age of 132, about 90 years after moving there. Above Dave's corpse, 617 engraved in the rock

_Here lies_

_Dave Conagher_

_King_

_Darts player_

_Doctor_

As an afterthought, 617 wrote:

_The father of the dwarves_

* * *

><p>In Roarington, Frederick approached Edvard.<p>

"Sire, the Northern Dwarves have uncovered a grave in their territory."

"And, Frederick, what is important about this grave?"

"It's Dave Conagher's/"

Frederick put a Smith and Wesson, three darts, 617, a pipe, and Frederick's rapier which had been given to Dave.

"Also, sire, I believe that Conagher is the distant ancestor of the dwarves."  
>"That goes."<br>Frederick then recited what 617 engraved on the cave wall above Dave's body, before leaving. After the Chief Advisor had left, 617 beeped to get Edvard's attention. A hologram came up.

"Edvard, I am going to die shortly, so I wanted to say thank you for all that you've done for me and the rest of my darts tam, and, as a token of my appreciation, there are some hidden inventions, which 617 will show you to. That is all I am able to say, so goodbye Edvard." said Dave Conagher's hologram before disappearing.

"I'll go and get those inventions." stated Edvard.

* * *

><p>The first thing that Dave Conagher noticed was that he had been drugged. He opened his eyes, and saw somebody standing over him in a business suit.<p>

"Mr. Conagher?" asked the man.

"That's me." replied Dave.

"Do you know why I'm here?"

"Nope.

"I'm here because you've just been one of the actors in a film about your darts team."

"A new film?"

"Yes."

"Private or commercial?"

"Commercial. You see, there was no Russian virus; there will be no backwards civilisation. The fictional universes are still fictional universes."  
>"Meaning?"<p>

"The last couple of years have been fake, a setup."

"So you're trying to say that I'm effectively Truman?"

"You could say that, but the rest of your team is also Trumans."

"Have you told them?"

"Yes. You were the last person for me to visit. Naturally, you will be paid for this, and get to see the film for free."

"Aren't I supposed to be 132?"  
>"No, that was an illusion. Quite a few things were illusions, and were very hard to make realistic."<p>

"You manipulated and used me, you SWINE!"

"You cannot get back what time you spent acting, but, if you had been informed of the fact that you had been acting, it wouldn't have been as realistic."

"True, but it is something that I cannot forgive your company. At least, for now."

* * *

><p>Dave and the rest of his darts team, along with Barr, Smith, and Bob, were in the cinema, watching the film about them. When it finished, the group left the room that they were in, talking about it.<p>

"So, what do you think?" asked Dave.

Most of the others agreed that the film was reasonable.

"Dave, consider this a forewarning to the statement that the man coming out of the viewing room now will make." said a voice in Dave's head.

"Hey, you lot look like the people in the film." exclaimed the man coming out of the viewing room.

"Um, yeah, we do. Mainly because we acted in the film against our own knowledge." replied Dave.

"That's just wrong, man." muttered the man, before walking away.

"You know how the two years that we spent acting were fake? Well, how come I've still got Tybalt's mental clone in my head?" asked Dave.

"How is that possible? If the two years weren't real, like you said, then Tybalt's mental clone should also be fake." stated Bob.

"I am the only part of the two years that is real, apart from the men standing here with you now." said Tybalt's clone to Dave.

"Oh, why does life have to do that to me?" asked Dave to anyone who would answer.

There was no reply.

"Great, just great." grumbled Dave.

* * *

><p><strong>AN **That's it. No more. Je suis fini. Please rate and review, as I want to see how well (or badly) I've done.


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